Archive for selfish

Anxious About Tomorrow…Literally.

Posted in Orthodox Clergy and Information, religion with tags , , , , , on September 26, 2008 by blackincense

Matthew 6:34:

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

I am on the brink of tearing my hair out and jumping out of the nearest window.  I am getting ready to leave for the fair this weekend, (Ojai Pirate Festival) and I want it to go well, in terms of our mission.  I have so much to do and I am “Martha-ing” my way around here like a mad woman and feel discouraged.  How can I hope to share our holy faith if I am behaving like this???

I want to reach that place that the Holy Father’s talk about where things like this no longer affect me.  I want to be the ‘lily of the field for they do not toil, neither do they spin’.  I am spinning all over the place worrying about things that might not happen, things I can’t control, things that really don’t even matter. Agonizing over which brand of hot dog, and whether other people will like relish and should it be “butter chips” or “dills”.  I find myself obsessing over the dumbest things and I am embarrassed that our Lord would pick me for this job.  I am embarrassed by my own failings, my own nonsense, which in itself is a form of pride also.  Because it is as if I think I SHOULD be more than what I am.  I am nothing but a hopeless case that the Lord in His mercy, was thoughtful enough to retrieve from the trash heap.

I live in the delightful delusion that my life is all about me.  It is such a wonderful deception and I hate it so much that I hope no one else follows my example.  My obsessive compulsive disorder is no more than the result of my own sin, and imperfection.  If I continue as I am, I will get the future that is based on that continuance.  But if I can turn away, turn aside, and choose a holier path, by confession and repentance, I am assured by the Gospel that I CAN be more than I am.

O, Lord, I am such a fool.

Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

In all my spinning today, I think that the one thing needful is : confession.  I’d better get off the internet and go call Fr. Paul.  Not that I expect him to drop everything just because I am having a “moment”.  But maybe I can at least get a blessing till I can have confession.

Humility and Grace in action

Humility and Grace in action