Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
I am on the brink of tearing my hair out and jumping out of the nearest window. I am getting ready to leave for the fair this weekend, (Ojai Pirate Festival) and I want it to go well, in terms of our mission. I have so much to do and I am “Martha-ing” my way around here like a mad woman and feel discouraged. How can I hope to share our holy faith if I am behaving like this???
I want to reach that place that the Holy Father’s talk about where things like this no longer affect me. I want to be the ‘lily of the field for they do not toil, neither do they spin’. I am spinning all over the place worrying about things that might not happen, things I can’t control, things that really don’t even matter. Agonizing over which brand of hot dog, and whether other people will like relish and should it be “butter chips” or “dills”. I find myself obsessing over the dumbest things and I am embarrassed that our Lord would pick me for this job. I am embarrassed by my own failings, my own nonsense, which in itself is a form of pride also. Because it is as if I think I SHOULD be more than what I am. I am nothing but a hopeless case that the Lord in His mercy, was thoughtful enough to retrieve from the trash heap.
I live in the delightful delusion that my life is all about me. It is such a wonderful deception and I hate it so much that I hope no one else follows my example. My obsessive compulsive disorder is no more than the result of my own sin, and imperfection. If I continue as I am, I will get the future that is based on that continuance. But if I can turn away, turn aside, and choose a holier path, by confession and repentance, I am assured by the Gospel that I CAN be more than I am.
O, Lord, I am such a fool.
Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
In all my spinning today, I think that the one thing needful is : confession. I’d better get off the internet and go call Fr. Paul. Not that I expect him to drop everything just because I am having a “moment”. But maybe I can at least get a blessing till I can have confession.