Anxious About Tomorrow…Literally.


Matthew 6:34:

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

I am on the brink of tearing my hair out and jumping out of the nearest window.  I am getting ready to leave for the fair this weekend, (Ojai Pirate Festival) and I want it to go well, in terms of our mission.  I have so much to do and I am “Martha-ing” my way around here like a mad woman and feel discouraged.  How can I hope to share our holy faith if I am behaving like this???

I want to reach that place that the Holy Father’s talk about where things like this no longer affect me.  I want to be the ‘lily of the field for they do not toil, neither do they spin’.  I am spinning all over the place worrying about things that might not happen, things I can’t control, things that really don’t even matter. Agonizing over which brand of hot dog, and whether other people will like relish and should it be “butter chips” or “dills”.  I find myself obsessing over the dumbest things and I am embarrassed that our Lord would pick me for this job.  I am embarrassed by my own failings, my own nonsense, which in itself is a form of pride also.  Because it is as if I think I SHOULD be more than what I am.  I am nothing but a hopeless case that the Lord in His mercy, was thoughtful enough to retrieve from the trash heap.

I live in the delightful delusion that my life is all about me.  It is such a wonderful deception and I hate it so much that I hope no one else follows my example.  My obsessive compulsive disorder is no more than the result of my own sin, and imperfection.  If I continue as I am, I will get the future that is based on that continuance.  But if I can turn away, turn aside, and choose a holier path, by confession and repentance, I am assured by the Gospel that I CAN be more than I am.

O, Lord, I am such a fool.

Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

In all my spinning today, I think that the one thing needful is : confession.  I’d better get off the internet and go call Fr. Paul.  Not that I expect him to drop everything just because I am having a “moment”.  But maybe I can at least get a blessing till I can have confession.

Humility and Grace in action

Humility and Grace in action

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3 Responses to “Anxious About Tomorrow…Literally.”

  1. Hey Suzanne,

    Confession is good. It is a healing sacrament, especially when you have a good priest. I hope things go better for you. I’m praying for you.

    God Bless

  2. frmilovan Says:

    Suzanne:

    So how did the fair go?

  3. Fr bless!
    You are so merciful to ask!

    It was the most difficult fair I have ever done. I have to wonder if I brought much of the difficulty on myself, but the evil one is more active now than ever before — people were attacked by the evil one, including me and those with me, and some people who are not ordinarily “trouble” were arrested for drunkenness — I have my prayer rule cut out for me for a long while. But on the good side: there was a very devout Lutheran man who came and bought incense and books from me (including Bishop Kallistos’ book, The Orthodox Church) and also a young “Rastafarian” who was attracted to Abba Moses. And there was also the good fellowship I enjoyed with Alex from Serbia (a very devout young man who converted in his twenties who helped me explain icons to people) and there was also an American soldier who wandered into my booth and wept for his life of problems. I can only hope we offered him comfort and solace, along with his food and water. The devil only wins when we allow him…I learned many good lessons from all this…it would have been worse if I had not called my priest on Friday and talked with him. It’s funny but he warned me about many things that actually did happen and at the time, I thought he meant “figuratively”….but as it turned out, he was so right —- I must be on guard, and pray harder now more than ever!

    Thank you so much for asking! We had a great time; we also had a very difficult time. And in our difficulty, I think we learned a great deal. The Lord is merciful indeed!

    Much love to you in Christ,
    Suzanne

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